Taming the Tongue

Text: Proverbs 5:1–4 ESV

My family and I don’t watch much TV, but even with the limited amount that we do watch, I’m familiar with all of the newest medications out there. The commercials for them are ubiquitous. Every time slot, every channel, every online platform is filled with advertisements for prescription medications. Interestingly, they all follow the same basic script, don’t they? We hear about who the medication is for, how it will make their life better, and we should talk to our doctor about getting the medication if we have certain symptoms or have a diagnosis, and then what is the last part of every one of those ads? You know it because you’re as familiar with these ads as I am. It’s a list of side effects and warnings. And, every time, they all sound awful! Pick every adverse thing that could happen in your body and they’ll list it. Headache, nausea & vomiting, depression, incontinence, loss of hearing, loss of eyesight, hair loss, numbness and tingling, anaphylaxis, heartburn, chest pain, and on and on it goes in super fast speaking because they have to cram so many warning into the last few seconds. 

What would a similar commercial be if people were the medication? God designed us to be in relationship, and there are so many reasons we need relationship. We need community, we need friendship, we need interaction with people in our day to day lives. But what are the side effects of being around other people? I’m sure there are many, because we can all recognize that sin has corrupted our relationships and they can be painful. I’m confident one of the side effects that would absolutely make the list is this: on occasion, people may cause pain and damage with their words. 

A couple of years ago, I heard a great story about a mom sitting down with her children on the morning of their first day of the school year. I think one of the children was entering middle school and the other was in fourth or fifth grade. She had on the table a brand new tube of toothpaste and a cookie sheet for each child. She asked the kids to squeeze out all of the toothpaste onto the cookie sheet. The kids were pumped about a fun little craft activity to start the day and they eagerly went to work, quickly emptying each of their tubes. After they had the toothpaste out, which took all of thirty seconds, she asked them to put the toothpaste back into the tube. They looked at her like she was crazy, as that task was impossible. They could struggle and work at it, but it would make a big mess and still not be successful. With exasperation, they explained to their mother that they simply could not put the paste back in the tube. Knowing they had grasped her illustration, she transitioned into the lesson for them. “Such are our words,” she explained. “We can speak very quickly, but once the words have left our mouth, we cannot put them easily back in. We can create a big mess. Use your words very carefully.” I thought it was such a helpful illustration. 

We all know words are powerful because we’ve all had the experience of being hurt, sometimes deeply, by people’s words. The old children’s saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is simply not true. The Bible just doesn’t have anything that confirms this old saying. On the contrary, God’s word is full of verses and passages that point to the incredible power words have to both build up and tear down. Our words can break something much deeper than our bones, can’t they? 

Proverbs has many verses that talk about the power of our words, our short passage for today is just one of several that are scattered throughout the Proverbs. So we’re going to use this passage as a jumping off point to what the Bible says about our speech.

There is so much to say about our words and speech, but I’m hoping to focus our time on three main points: Our tongue’s power, Our tongue’s connection to the heart, and how we ought to practice good and upright speaking. So power, connection, and practice will be our focus for today.

First, let’s look at our tongue’s power. I don’t think I even need to win anyone over to the statement that our words are powerful. I would be surprised if anyone objected and tried to push back on that statement. But I’m going to spend some time on this, anyway, because we don’t spend enough time thinking about just how powerful our words are. In other words, while we readily affirm that words and speech are powerful, we need to be clear on just how important they are in God’s eyes. We see it in our passage: 

“The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good,” (Proverbs 15:3 ESV). 

This verse is in the middle of three verses that all talk about our speaking and words. While the proverbs are often a bit more disjointed and frequently don’t easily connect from verse to verse, it isn’t an accident our text tells us here that God is attentive to our speech and it points to the importance of our words.

Our words even have creative power. We can see this in the very beginning, in Genesis. Think back to the very beginning, to creation. In the beginning, there was nothing but our triune God. And He saw fit to create all we see and know. How did he do that? With his words. God’s words have far more power than ours, he speaks and oceans form. By the power of his tongue, he forms mountains and stars and planets. We don’t have that same power, but as image bearers, our words do still have a form of creative power, a power to create reality. 

Think about a child. If they hear someone tell them they’re stupid, or ugly, or not capable, that becomes their reality and affects their entire life. Some of you know this truth first hand are still dealing with the repercussions of hurtful words when you were young. But it’s true in all ages, is it not? Our words can change how someone views themselves, or views a situation. 

Proverbs 18:21 shows us even more directly and brings clarity to just how powerful our words are. 

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” (Proverbs 18:21 ESV) 

Death and life are in the power of the tongue. We can use our words to bring death to someone, to crush their spirit and demoralize, or we can breath out life to them in what we say. “Those who love it will eat its fruits.” Will those who love giving life eat its fruit or those who love death eat its fruit? The answer is both. We must be mindful to which we are loving. It can feel good to really let someone have it, to speak your mind and tear them down. We can justify it in myriad ways. “They deserved it. They had it coming. Someone had to say it. They say the same thing to me. I was only joking!” But you will eat the fruit of those words. The fruit of poisonous words are twofold: both the hearer and the speaker are destroyed. The hearer is crushed in spirit as the speaker breaths doubt, discouragement, and dismay into the hearer. And the speaker brings the inevitable remorse for what they’ve said, retribution if the hearer strikes back, isolation as they lose people in their life, and they can even bring into their lives a physical beating. By contrast, our words can also bring life, even eternal life if we point them to salvation in Christ. 

And to really bring it home, something Jesus said is incredibly sobering. In Matthew 12:36, Jesus says: 

“I tell you, on the day of judgement people will give account for every careless word they speak.” (Matthew 12:36 ESV)

Every. Careless. Word. We’re accountable to God for every single one. We must be thoughtful about how we use our tongues. 

Let’s look at the contrasting couplets from our reading in Proverbs today, where we can see powerfully divergent results from the use of our tongue. There are three very clear couplings that we read. Look again at Proverbs 15:1. 

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” ( Proverbs 15:1 ESV) 

A soft answer vs. a harsh word. One turns away anger, the other agitates even greater anger. Which is the wiser approach? Which is the way God desires us to speak? 

The next coupling is in verse two. 

“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.” (Proverbs 15:2 ESV) 

Here it is clear, a wise approach vs a foolish approach. The wise approach commends knowledge, meaning it clarifies, increases understanding, advances truth. Fools don’t add to anything, their speech only serves to muddy the water, cloud judgment, decrease understanding, deceive the listener. 

And the third coupling is in verse four. 

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4 ESV) 

A gentle tongue is stable, reliable, strong and trustworthy, and it gives life. A perverse tongue breaks the spirit. That is, speech that shows a deliberate or obstinate desire to behave in a way that is unreasonable or unacceptable isn’t helpful to the listener, it breaks their spirit. Gentle speech is reasonable, acceptable, the hearer can absorb the words without getting defensive or being broken. 

Let’s look at one more coupling from Proverbs that wasn’t in our sermon text. 

“There is one who’s rash words are like sword thrusts…” (Proverbs 12:18a ESV)

Just as a sword can be thrust into a person and leave a penetrating wound, so too can words pierce. And, to take this imagery just a bit further, let’s say you stab someone with a sword. You withdraw it and say, “I’m so sorry for how I just stabbed you.” That’s nice, and I would say it is appropriate to apologize, but the wound remains. They’re still cut. They’re still bleeding. They may be dying. Like toothpaste from a tube, our words cannot be withdrawn. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” 

The second half of Proverbs 12:18 provides us with the life-giving counterpart to sword thrusts: “…but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” When someone has been cut, whether by us or by someone else, we can speak in a way that is healing. Our words can mend and stitch and bring back health. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” 

So our first point was on our tongue’s power. The second focal point for us today is our tongue’s connection to our heart. This one isn’t as readily evident as our last point, but the Bible is very clear in the direct link between what we believe and how we speak. And while it isn’t in our sermon text today directly, it certainly is pertinent to our text. We can’t ignore the connection. If you expect yourself or anyone to have consistently gracious speech, soft answers, and a gentle tongue, they must have a gracious and gentle heart, and a heart level love for God and others. 

We’re going to look at a couple different passages that make this connection very clear. The first is still in Proverbs 10:20. This one is an interesting coupling. 

“The tongue of the righteous is choice silver; the heart of the wicked is of little worth.” (Proverbs 10:20 ESV) 

Wait a minute, you might say, that’s not an apples to apples comparison! Oh, but it is! If we want our tongues to be like choice silver, our hearts must be rightly oriented. Jesus makes this connection very clear with perfect analogies in Luke 6: 43-45. Our savior said this: 

“For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6: 43-45 ESV) 

Out of the abundance of his heart, his mouth speaks. What we value, treasure, and believe in our heart comes spilling out of our mouths. We can try to keep it down, we can will it down for a moment, but it’s going to come up and spill out. If we don’t rightly orient what we treasure in our heart, our words are going to reflect the reality in our hearts. It’s inevitable because the connection is too strong to overcome with will power. It’s part of the design of us. 

In the book of James, there are a bunch of super helpful, very practical passages about how we are to speak. There it says:

“The tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.” (James 3: 6-12 ESV)

I have to admit that I don’t like what this connection reveals in me. From my mouth I sing praise to God, I speak about how great God is to people, and then I curse his image bearers. When I think back to the times I hurt someone with my words, it reveals how gross my heart is. I can think of one time in particular when I was going to meet with a brother in the Lord whom I had hurt with my words and been hurt by his. Before our meeting, I prayed, I read passages that I knew would help me, and I even rehearsed how I wanted to gently speak. But then we sat down together and more words came. Enough words that it revealed what was stored up in my heart: frustration, bitterness, anger, hurt. I hadn’t looked at what was in my heart and taken that to God, and my words reflected my heart condition. James’ words continue to humble me, “my brothers and sisters, this ought not be.”

When you have an upset stomach, and it’s rumbling and churning and it just feels off, you know what is going to come out of your mouth: vomit. I know that is crass, but it is an accurate picture for this connection. When our hearts are upset because we’ve let things like selfish ambition, bitter jealousy, and pride get into our hearts, our tongues are inevitably going to express those feelings just like vomit. We need God’s help to reorient our hearts to purify them so that peace, gentleness, reason, impartiality, and mercy and grace are dwelling richly, and then our tongues will spill forth with these good fruits. This is the Spirit’s work in us, to transform our wicked hearts that produce bad fruits into righteous hearts that produce good fruits. We need God to change our salt water producing hearts into pure water springs that produce drinkable, fresh water.

And now let’s look at how we practice good speech. For this, I have six principles: Be slow, be soft, be balanced, be building, be healing, and be gracious. 

First, be slow:

“Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” (Proverbs 29:20 ESV) 

When emotions are high and you speak as soon as the thought enters your mind, it’s not likely going to go well. You know why it says there is more hope for a fool than for one who quickly says what they’re thinking? Because “even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise. When he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent” (Proverbs 17: 28 ESV). It’s better to remain silent than be hasty in your words. James is again helpful in this regard. “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” There is wisdom in slowing down and considering carefully the words we are going to speak, knowing we cannot take back the words once spoken. And when you slow down, here’s what you need to consider: what is in my heart? If it’s anger, pride, frustration, bitterness, envy; if it’s not the fruit of the spirit that is welling up in you, keep your mouth shut. May our tongues be slow. 

Second, be soft. It’s in our passage today. “A soft answer turns away wrath.” And in Proverbs 25, there’s a strange line about a soft tongue where the meaning is not immediately evident. 

“A soft tongue will break a bone,” (Proverbs 25:15b ESV) 

At first glance, I was actually a bit dismayed because I thought this meant that even when I was soft, even when I got it right, my words could leave the person broken. But that’s not the meaning here. One commentator explained the verse this way, “breaking a bone means gentle words are the most able to break down the most hardened resistance to an idea a person may possess.” If you’re trying to tell someone something they don’t want to hear, trying to tell them the truth, if you use harsh words their resistance only increases. If you want to soften their defense, the only way is to do it softly. A soft tongue is able to decrease someone’s resistance so your words can be healing and helpful. May our tongues be soft. 

Third, be balanced. What do I mean by balanced? There is a balance our speaking should have to it, and it is written very clearly in Ephesians 4:15 where we’re told to speak the truth in love. If you’re only concerned with telling the truth and don’t simultaneously love the person, you stand the very real potential that your words will be hurtful. You’re therefore not committed to the truth, you’re out to punish the person. Conversely, if you only care about love, you’ll ignore the truth. If you ignore a truth that would be helpful for someone because you are afraid to share it, if you’re paralyzed by a fear of hurting the person, you’re not really loving that person, you’re committing a lie of omission. So if you only love, you’re not really being loving at all. Tim Keller concisely put it this way, “Love without truth is a lie. Truth without love isn’t really committed to the truth.” We have to balance both truth and love for our tongues to bring healing and be helpful. May our tongues be balanced. 

Fourth, be building. I’ve focused much of my time on the harm that our tongues can do, but they can also be used for great good. 

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth, but only such as is good for building up.” (Ephesians 4:29 ESV) 

If your words would build someone up, say them and edify the person! If they will tear down, save them and remain silent. We don’t have to be slow to speak when we know our words are going to breathe life and encouragement and joy into someone. If your words are going to point the person to the all-satisfying person of Jesus, let it fly. May our tongues be building. 

Fifth, be healing. We’ve already looked at Proverbs 12:18 where it says, “the tongue of the wise brings healing.” For most of us, it takes some preparation on our part to speak healing words. The idea is there is a wound that needs healing. A doctor or the nurses must make preparations to stitch a wound in a patient or perform a surgery. They have to lay out all of the equipment, clean and sanitize the wound, and then go to work. In much the same way most of us will need to make preparations if we want our words to bring healing. We need to know the situation well enough to speak clearly. But the wise do the work to prepare by understanding the other person and their words bring healing. Jesus is the great healer, the message of the gospel heals everything, doesn’t it? So if we want our tongues to bring healing, they should drip with the gospel. May our tongues be healing. 

Finally, be gracious. That is, be filled with grace. 

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person,” (Colossians 4:6 ESV). 

If your heart is filled with the understanding that you have been radically forgiven by God, if you’re constantly remembering the underserved grace Christ extended to you, then that is what bubbles up out of your heart and seasons everything you’ll say. In your heart, dwell often on the grace that you have in Christ, and your words will reflect that grace. May our tongues be gracious. 

Be slow, be soft, be balanced, be building, be healing, and be gracious. Our example in all of these, as always, is Christ. Throughout his entire life, he spoke perfectly in these ways and so many more. His tongue was righteous and true, perfectly loving and perfectly truthful. And his Spirit now lives within us. This is the very real power to change our tongues to be wise and honoring to our Lord. His Spirit at work in us can bring about true transformation, so let’s ask him to do that work.